I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
