neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Randomize