Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
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