When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Randomize
