3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
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