Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
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