I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
