mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I've blown a few things in my day
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
you have to choose: penises or morals?
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Randomize
