True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
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