I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
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