I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
You ate ashes out of my bong
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Randomize
