Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
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