i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Randomize
