Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Randomize
