we're chasing vodka with high fives
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
