If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
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