I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Randomize
