my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
I touched a dick in church today
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Randomize
