i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
