her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
