Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
