He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Randomize
