my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
