Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
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