so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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