Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
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