the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
not ubering you a puppy
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
