Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
