Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize