I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
