Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
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