I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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