At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
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