I just saw a hot homeless man
Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Randomize
