Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
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