my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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