I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
