OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
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