I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Randomize
