...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
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