Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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