i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
Randomize
