I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize