I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
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