I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
Randomize
