and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
