the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
