if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
I think i got beer on your cat.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
