dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
