The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
tuesday night obama will do an address about the oil spill at 8... it'll only be about 15 minutes... but i think thats plenty of time for a drinking game. key words "oil" "bp" and "responsibility"?
Fuck yes. Let's make bingo cards.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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