Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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