remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
