John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize