Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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