God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
