yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
