Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
This is my gift to your gina
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
There's even glitter on my cock...
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