Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Randomize