I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
