I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
