please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Randomize