why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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